part one

one down, 1.5 to go. magazines to print in (now) 24 days, that is. *minor panic attack*

sorry folks, don't think i will be seeing much of you guys in the next 24 days. on the upside, after the crazy period is over this story-churning monkey is free for the rest of the year.

wanted to write about this for awhile now but couldn't find the words. couldn't even find the words to tell my closest friends what had happened. but since it's been a week, and i feel slightly more able to talk about it now, here goes:

my aunt passed away last week. my mother's sister. and for those who know me, you know how close i am and how dearly i love the de silva family.

it wasn't like we weren't expecting it. when she was first admitted to the hospital for a heart attack, the doctors gave her a week to live. then she had a stroke and couldn't open her eyes and it seemed the length of time she had was shorter than ever.

but she held on. for a whole month.

i've seen my aunt's immediate family go through a shitload of things the past two years - they've lost one sibling, had another get nose cancer go through chemo and survive (thank God) and now this.

i am ashamed to admit it but from the moment i heard about her passing, i ran. i escaped to someplace else in my mind and i did it so well that i could tell colleagues about her passing without actually feeling anything. even when i was at the wake and looking at how beautiful and youthful-looking she was in death, it felt like i was looking at a picture of her sleeping.

i had lost my dear, dear auntie celine, and all i could do was run away from it.

reality caught up with me when it was time to say our final goodbyes. my heart literally broke watching my beloved cousins walk by the coffin (oh God, it took my a few seconds before i could type that word), lay a rose on her chest and bend over to kiss her cheek one final time. there were no dry eyes when they stood up and finally walked away from her.

the mass for her was painful, the eulogy even more so.

but what was the worst was the bus ride to the crematorium. the crematorium had come into view and i was suddenly struck by one thought: i'm never going to see her again.

after that i couldn't stop the images of her going through my mind, nor her voice in my ears or the tears from my eyes.

ok. i was wrong. i thought i was alright enough to write about it, but i guess i'm not. i miss you auntie celine, i can still hear your voice mock-scolding us for eating all the food. what else could we do when your cooking is so awesome?

:(