disclaimer: the following story may contain references to defecation, toilet bowls and foul smells. if you're through reading my many blog entries on the repulsiveness of toilets in general, you may wish to stop reading now.
i'm one of those people who, like so many others i know, belong to the category of people that simply cannot bring themselves to take a crap at a public toilet, unless it be a sparkling clean toilet in a hotel, for whatever reason. (the uncleanliness of it all, or perhaps, the embarassment of knowing that everyone else in the loo heard that loud PLOP as shit hits water, and that its ensuing smell came from YOU.)
other than that, we, the cannot-shit-outside people, would much rather hold it in, feel constipated and walk around with a distasteful paunch all day just to release the load in the comfort of our own bowls, rather than have to use the public can. plus, it allows me to time my shit to coincide with my shower time, so i can feel completely purged and clean all at once.
ANYWAY. my family has an excess of rooms in the house what with one brother living in the states and the other in his own home. so, in a bid to earn just that little bit more, we have rented out one of my brother's rooms and have had a tenant living under our roof for oh, i don't know, maybe 2 years now.
now normally, my family and i would describe her as, well, the perfect tenant because she pays her rent on time, and is nearly non-existent in the house - coming back late, slipping in silently, does her own laundry etc.etc.
however, i am reminded today, of why sometimes, besides her never-talking-to-me-for-2-years-ness, i simply can't live with her in the house.
today was one of those days when i needed to take a crap. now this doesn't happen everyday so when the urge strikes, its quite a moment.
so i did what i usually do and held it in throughout the day in anxious anticipation to get home and do a #2, despite having cleanER toilets in the office now that it has been renovated.
i get home, late-ish, greet a warm hello to the parentals who look like they are watching tv but are really waiting up for me, dump my bag in my room and proceed, bath towel in hand, to the loo.
as i step into the toilet, i do the routine check in the mirror - the usual counting of pimples, removing of earrings and inspection of ever-growing eyebags - all the while knowing, at the back of my mind that there was that undeniable foul smell coming from somewhere, but either i was too preoccupied, or i wasn't standing near enough to the bowl for me to take full note of it.
until i walked over to the toilet.
the smell that literally smacked me in the face was strong enough to stop me dead in mid action of taking off my skirt.
and unfortunately, i was too close to the bowl to NOT see what was in it.
murky brown waters with about 4 or 5 broken up pieces of shit floating on the surface indicated the length of time the shit had already been in the water before being discovered, what with it being partially dissolved and all. (come on, you KNEW i was going to describe it, didn't you?)
yes my friends, the only other person who uses this toilet is none other than my 25 year old tenant girl, the classy, well packaged hairdresser who sometimes sees me at zouk on wed nights and subsequently ignores me.
and this isn't the first time i had to flush for her, either.
i pulled my skirt back up, held my breath, reached over the bowl to flush, and decided to stay constipated for the night.
HA! YOU ACT SO BLOODY ATAS ALL THE TIME, BUT I KNOW YOU TAKE A SHIT AND NOT FLUSH, YOU GROSS LITTLE TWAT, AND I'LL BET YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE DISGUSTING WOMEN WHO DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER, EITHER!
urkkkkkkkkkk.