i hate to sound all morbid and depressing but i really wanna die before i get too old.
went to visit my grandmother in the home the other day... after having a stroke the family has decided to put her into a nursing home. its a catholic place, and really, the exterior of the building is really lovely, homely and yet resort-ish, flowers everywhere, a nice cathedral and a very pretty pond.
but whats the point if she cant get out of bed.
what's the point if she can't lift herself onto an upright position, whats the point if she can't even tell if its night or day.
i can't even type this properly cuz my hands are shaking so much. i know i've never been close to her, but seeing how she was so helpless, hardly even conscious, couldn't even focus, just dazing her life away, i couldnt help but let myself out of the room. the stroke had hit her worse than we'd thought, and she just gets worse day by day. she used to struggle so much the bindings on her hands would cut deep into her wrists, and i thought that was really bad but now... she doesn't even realise she's been bound to the bed.
i can't really write much more...
except i suddenly can't shake off the feeling of her soft hand in mine as i said goodbye, her hand swollen because of the binding and the stroke. and yet her skin was still like paper. she kept rubbing my hand with her thumb, and wouldn't let go of it. this woman, this woman who i've never spoken to and has never spoken to me except to say hi, bye and happy chinese new year. the woman who, for the past five or so years, didn't even remember that i existed.
this woman, who when my father bent over to tell her that i was "ah-girl" just mumbled "i know" in teochew...
and didn't want to let go of my hand.