hands up anyone else who can relate to this

have you ever knew one of those people who your parents couldnt stop comparing you with? oh she's so clever, she went to EM1 (for those who don't know its a special class where you're so smart that your mother tongue becomes first language together with english. like that proves anything), oh she's so pretty she's a child model, oh she's so slim why are you so fat, oh, she's so talented, she plays the piano, flute, and violin and is top of her art class, oh, her parents must be so proud to have a daughter have her own recital at such a young age.

sound familiar? fortunately, my parents were too wonderful to say that to me. (but being the paranoid one even at that age i would swear that they at least THOUGHT it. and this self-implicated guilt trip worked just as well i tell you)

UNfortunately, i used to be very attached to this guy a few years ago who did compare me endlessly to this girl. in almost everything. how i looked, what i wore, how i carried myself, how i sat, how i walked, how i spoke, what i said, how i skated, everything. and even though he used to say that he hated her guts everytime she was mentioned, it still seemed like she was this impossible yardstick i just couldn't match up to. of course it didnt help any that she was a real model. not one of those cannot-make-it-miss-singapore-model-types, but a real gorgeous brit-chinese type.

it used to get me real down, or rather, i used to let it affect me terribly, which was silly because i hardly knew who she was except through the skewed Len-s of that fella, and i had only seen her briefly on the streets what? twice? both times i was still bowled over by her beauty though. she was even more gorgeous in person than in photos.

which, admittedly, i went a little psycho over. in the quiet privacy of my own room i used to look up pictures of her, (and since she was so sought after there was plenty pictures of her on blogs and so on) at first trying to convince myself that she isn't all that, and then failing miserably because she is, which brought me back to square one all over again, except feeling about a squillion times worse. it was kinda like having a scab on your elbow that isn't quite ready to come off yet but you just had to pick at it, even tho you KNOW that its going to hurt and scar later.

so i ended up with a lot of resentment. not so much at her, because i was old enough at the time to realise that really, she didn't do anything to me (except be unbearably gorgeous, making me look like a frump in comparison) but rather at myself, for letting myself feel inadequate. somehow the "he loves me more than he loves her" thinking didn't quite cut it for me either.

but that was years ago. he stopped comparing me with her, after i made an explosive fuss about it and i forgot about it.

or so i thought.

so it came as a real surprise to me when all the old feelings of self-consciousness and the knife-in-the-gut-and-twisted feeling came back when someone just casually mentioned her NAME last night. for goodness sakes, it was just a name, it wasn't as if i was face to face with her. my face burned for a second and i kicked into autopilot, putting on the i-didn't-hear-that-cool-cat face. then as quickly as it came, it went away, and i forgot all about it again.

but it just amazed me that even after so long, a familiar name like that could still have such an effect on me. i don't have a problem with her anymore really, but i just wonder, how much had this affected me, and even tho i feel fine now, how long will it take for this...this... feeling to completely go away? would it even completely go away? and worse, the world is just getting smaller and smaller everyday, what if one day she and i were to be in the same circle of friends? would i still feel the way i used to all those years ago? probably. but then again, i might get to know her and realise hey, it was all juvenile nonsense and who knows, we might be *gulp* friends.

*shrug* whatever it may be, i'll deal with it when it comes. all i know is now, if i am going to be a parent, i'm going to say screw you to anybody who tries to compare her high-flyer spawn to my kid so he/she wont ever feel like she's been overshadowed by anyone.

gawd i'm talking about parenting. how OLD am i?!