i don't understand it...

how does someone, so incredibly brilliant, so ceaselessly witty and seemingly without care, just say goodbye to all around him? he's so smart [oh god, i guess i'm supposed to be using the past tense from now]. he was so smart, he was gonnabe a doctor, he's so personable, so efficient in everything and always gets things done the right way, and still not be a bitch about it. my ex vice-president of the student council, how could you be so brilliant, and so so silly, all at the same time?

why? why did you do it? don't you know that people around you love you so much? the crematoria was packed. it was full till people will spilling out the doors, and nobody, nobody left with a dry eye. i still remember, i still remember how everything to you was a phallic symbol, even my water bottle, especially my water bottle. how you used to sweat so much, and vivien was your sweat-wiper. i remember how you always spoke about sex in any kinds of innuendos you could think of [and they were so many] to me, as if i was the only one who could understand. how you used to exchange council t-shirts with the girls so that you'd have one that was tight, how you had legs that all the girls would die for, and you never ceased to make us jealous. how you were so so particular and pinpointed everyone's mistakes to the point where they just wanted to cry and how your favourite word was simply "efficient". everyone was afraid of you, yet nobody could ever hate you. i remember your distinct laughter, so husky yet feminine all at the same time. how you used to tease all the boys in council till they were all uncomfortable around you and then you laughed like you were genuinely happy.

why weren't you genuinely happy?

i did not want to walk round the coffin like some of the others did because i wanted to remember him just the way i do, but as i bowed infront of the coffin i saw his face... and.. it was so hard. he looked like he was just sleeping, i couldn't believe that that was the last that i would see of him.

after it was over xinwei vivien and i were sitting in the pews just remembering how he was like, and we were laughing and crying at the same time. its so hard to believe that the one out of us, the whole council, the one who had the most future, and the most character, could be hiding something so dark behind it. whats worse, that whatever we'll see of him will be what we have stored in our memories.

we all knew why, we all knew who he gave his life for. it was a story that dates back to the beginning of jc. hock chai, you were so silly. why did you not talk to anyone. my dear friend hock chai wrote in his blog what he was going to do, and hoped that that person wouldn't be too upset, before he made that final, heartbreaking decision to jump.

we will remember you always, and you will definitely be in my prayers.

at least one thing good that happened to me, my darling Len knew that i was upset, and before i met him he bought me the prettiest purple rose. who says you don't do sweet things for me. you're the best and i don't wanna ever lose you.